I didn’t actually know I was pregnant until I was in hospital in November. What I thought was a cyst was actually a little bubba. I was lucky enough to have a scan and see them before we found out they had passed away a week later in what is called a ‘Missed Miscarriage’.
I won’t lie and say I’ve been fine since it happened because in all honesty I haven’t.
So I have been told the following reasons of why I shouldn’t need to grieve:
- There is no reason to grieve there was nothing there yet
- It wasn’t a person yet
- Aren’t you over it yet?
- Least you know you can get pregnant
- It wasn’t planned it doesn’t matter
- At least it was early
So I thought I would break the taboo and speak frankly. No I’m aware that it wasn’t planned but it wasn’t unwanted. I cried when I first saw that scan and I was so excited and planning the future. When I was told there was no heartbeat it is like someone stabbed me through the heart. I had to pretend I was okay all through Christmas and Boxing Day as my surgery wasn’t until the 27th.
My heart was breaking and it still does every time I think about what happened. I was asked twice at work within a week (back in March time) when the baby was due and when I said I wasn’t joking they accused me of joking. I went to the toilets and I cried and cried. Baby loss is no joke, it’s not an April fools joke, it’s not something we should just throw about and are you wanting anymore kids is the question we must stop asking.
The operation I had was day surgery and the team at my hospital were lovely but when I come round from general anaesthetic I cry a lot and this time I couldn’t stop.
I suddenly felt empty, I felt lost, I felt suicidal. I was discharged within hours of coming round from surgery. They told me they would find out why my miscarriage happened but they didn’t and there is no after care. I had complications so I was back in on NYD but still again no aftercare. No mental health after care and that was the same back in 2007 with my abortion.
I was told by people that at least it’s done now, you can get on with life, you can move on. You can try again when it’s more convenient. When the time is right is a phrase I often here, still now.
People didn’t seem to understand I was grieving unless they had gone through it themselves.
The due date was the worst. I just kept thinking that they should of been here by now. They should be with me, in my arms and I should be in a baby bubble happy and content.
I’m now 8 months into my post baby loss journey and it’s getting easier slowly. Some days are worse than others.
I won’t lie I still look at newborns and want to cry and I still look at pregnant women and get a pang of jealousy. I think that feeling of being empty slowly went away when I realised I wasn’t to blame. However that pain in my chest when I hear a baby cry is still there.
I thought I was stupid for grieving, for being in pain and for being upset. I felt like I didn’t deserve to feel the pain as it was so early but I was wrong. Pain deserves to be felt and your feelings deserve to be acknowledged.
Don’t bottle it up as believe me it makes it worse.
It will take time but it’s okay to grieve.
It’s ok to think what if.
It’s ok to be sad.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.