*Trigger Warning For Miscarriage*
The following post contains miscarriage, loss, pregnancy.
After losing Robin at 8 weeks due to a missed miscarriage I never thought my next pregnancy would be unplanned, let alone during a pandemic. However, this is currently where I am at, pregnant, during a pandemic and doing it alone once again. I say alone but of course I have a brilliant support network around me. I have spent the last 12 weeks trying to get my head around being pregnant again and working out how I feel. I feel lost, confused, overwhelmed and yet there is excitement there but I won’t quite allow myself to relax into the joy and excitement just yet. I am now 12 weeks after finding out at 4 weeks, so I am trying to enjoy my pregnancy now we are in the safer waters as they say but it is rather hard to enjoy it instead of being worried 24/7.
It would be a lie to say I have enjoyed my pregnancy so far as I have been an anxious and very emotional. I have been lucky and managed to have some extra scans so that has helped massively. I had a scan at around 4/5 weeks then again at 7 and then I paid for a private scan at 9 weeks which was the big scan for me personally. I saw the heartbeat and to be told everything was ok and healthy and looking good was a big step. It settled my anxiety for a week or so then I start to worry and over think once again. I have had chronic nausea with this pregnancy and awful reflux/hiccups and even though it is a good sign of things progressing, it has been exhausting and I am only now really finding my energy coming back in spurts.
I am now awaiting my 12 week which is tomorrow, and I am nervous that something will be wrong, or something will have happened. I used to think I was just being negative and overthinking it all but that is what life is like after loss. It is worrying every day about bleeding, cramping, not feeling right and that even though you are happy, it could all be taken away in an instant. It is checking time you go to the toilet in case of blood, worrying about every twinge wondering if it’s the start of something bad and it is watching everything you eat and drink in case it is a miscarriage trigger food. I found it worrying when my symptoms disappeared for a day too as this happened with Robin but I will admit it was nice to have one day without feeling the need to vomit all my food up. They soon came back and they have been getting stronger as the weeks go on.
When pregnant with Robin, I didn’t think about any of what I mentioned above, I just assumed as I hadn’t bled that it was fine, and baby was ok, and that innocence was because I hadn’t experienced a loss like this before.
I also remember being anxious with Ethan’s pregnancy, but it is nothing compared to this time. With Ethan’s pregnancy it was more immaturity than anything else but that was because I was 18 and had no idea what to expect.
This time I have cut out caffeine completely as some websites suggest it links to miscarriage, I made sure I was doing no heavy lifting at all at work due to maybe doing something to trigger a miscarriage and I have made sure I have been extra safe during times I am shopping as I was so worried that getting COVID-19 would trigger a miscarriage. I have literally overthought everything I have done, eaten, and said since I saw that positive test back in January. It is crazy how anxiety can make you act but it also made me realise just how much I wanted this.
I never expected to be a single mum but at 19 I become one to Ethan and nearly 9 years later I will now be a single mum to 2 and it worries me that I am not enough but after losing Robin I know just how much I want this. I can’t believe I have been blessed to be pregnant again and I am not taking it for granted.
My local hospital have been brilliant in supporting me whenever I have called the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) with worries or concerns and when I have spoken to the midwives about my pregnancy they have really listened to my concerns.
The thing with this pregnancy is that, I have been concerned not only about losing the pregnancy but also my high risk nature of this baby being premature like Ethan. Every professional I have spoken to has listened to this and given advice and helped with information and directing me to the right person. I am now under consultant care which hopefully will mean more scans too which should ease the anxiety in the long run.
I am so grateful to have reached a milestone in this pregnancy and I am just keeping everything crossed for the scan tomorrow.
I hope to be able to to write more posts about the pregnancy as it progresses and my feelings as it progresses but for now it just feels nice to have it out in the open and not be hiding this big secret anymore.
Before I sign off this blog, I just wanted to mention that I purchased the Pregnancy after loss book by Zoe Clark-Coates and this helped massively in being able to understand my thoughts and feelings and realise I wasn’t alone. This can be purchased via Amazon.